


Take Me Back to the Start

by Moreanswers24



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e12 Slow News Day, Families of Choice, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Minor Canonical Character(s), Panic Attacks, Persecution of Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Season 5 AU, Self-Hatred of Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-07-08 01:54:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15920526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moreanswers24/pseuds/Moreanswers24
Summary: “Well everyone already suspected I was crazy,” he muttered.“Josh, you’re not-”“What do they have, C.J.?”Over the past few months, Joshua Lyman had been through a lot, both in the workplace and personally. It had been one thing piled upon the other; the kidnapping of Zoey, the inability to get Berryhill as VP, Amy using him for political power, the Carrick defection, being stripped of a majority of his responsibilities, and dealing with Leo. It had taken a toll on his physical and mental health. But for the grace of Dr. Bartlet and the President, he had managed to salvage a win for President Bartlet, which had started his slow rise back to normal. Unfortunately, all these months later, someone is going to attempt to ensure that he is taken down and out for the count, without any hope of overcoming the hurdle that had been thrown his way.Post-Slow News Day. Season 5 AU





	1. Come Up to Meet You, Tell You I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all. So this is my first attempt at a multi-chapter fit for the West Wing and as you probably all know by now, it is going to be one filled with lots of angst. It seems that the fluff writer in me has decided to take an indefinite hiatus and the angst writer in me decided that this meant that they could work overtime. This work is based on a post I saw on Tumblr in which someone wanted to see what it would be like to see Josh go through the same type of hearings Leo had to go through in Season 1 for his diagnosis of PTSD. Please, please review and tell me what you think. Hope you enjoy.

She stood in front of his office apprehensively, knowing that, by the time she would leave, things would never be the same. For a minute she considered heading back to her side of the West Wing, leave things alone and play hardball like she was accustomed to, just so she wouldn’t have to do this.

Things had just started to get back to normal, especially for the man who was sitting inside the office she was standing in front of, and she didn’t want to mess up the momentum that they had been gaining since the end of the government shutdown. 

But she was Claudia Jean Cregg, White House Press Secretary, the first line of defense for the Bartlet administration. This was her job and she had to do it.

Hesitantly, she knocked on the door and waited for the muffled, “Come in” to come from inside the office before coming in. Usually she wouldn’t wait, but today wasn’t going to be a usual day.

“Hey C.J., I just got off the phone with the guys at the OMB and DPC and I think I have found a way for the federal adoption policy to be announced sooner, rather than later. I’m starting to get involved with the trade plan talks, and I think I may have found a good way to make it revenue neutral.”

“Listen, I-”

“I know it’s not the hugest thing that we can be talking about at a briefing, but it is a really big offensive move. And imagine what we can be doing for all these kids.”

“I need you to-”

“And yes, it’s a big risk, but like you’ve been saying Ceej, it is time to start leading again. Time to go back to ‘Let Bartlet be Bartlet.’”

“JOSH! I need you to be quiet for a minute. Okay? This is important.”

Joshua Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff, quickly quietened. He set the memo that he had been reading on his desk. “CJ? What is it?” He leaned forward in his chair and furrowed his brow 

C.J. sighed and walked over behind his desk and knelt beside him. “Josh...I know the last six months have been difficult for you. Have they been difficult for you in...in other ways?” She frowned when Josh didn’t even turn in his chair to face her or attempt to make a sarcastic, self-deprecating comment.

“Josh?”

He suddenly got up from his chair, shoving it to the other side of the room, then walked to the corner placing his hand over his face and rubbing his forehead. 

“Well everyone already suspected I was crazy,” he muttered.

“Josh, you’re not-”

“What do they have, C.J.?”

* * *

“Josh…”

“What. do. they. Have? Who gave you the tip off that they were going to be working on this story that they have? Because you wouldn’t be in here, trying to-trying to.” His voice was getting more and more irate and he turned back around to face her, one hand gesticulating wildly and the other buried into his hair. “You would not be in here, using your ‘got to tiptoe around the unbalanced person in the room’ voice if they didn’t have something that you thought was going to blast us all out of the water! You said it was something important, something serious! So, just tell me what the hell is going on?!”

It was at that moment that Donna opened the door, “Josh? Is everything okay?”

It was also at that moment, CJ noticed, that Josh’s face paled. Paled as if he had just regained awareness of where he was and what he had been caught doing. She paled at the realization that she had seen this before. During the Christmas of 2000. When Josh raged about music being sirens and questions not being answered; when Yo-Yo Ma came and in the middle of the concert she noticed Toby staring at Josh and saw for herself that he was not emotionally present in the room, running off as soon as possible; coming into work the next day and seeing his hand wrapped up in a crude make-shift bandage and having to speak with Stanley Keyworth.

Donna pressed forward, walking a little bit slower, “Josh? What do you need? What is it?”

“Nothing!” he snapped, but he then sat down in one of the visitor’s chairs and placed his head in his hands. “I’m sorry,” Josh whispered. “I shouldn’t have-I’m sorry. I’m fine, Donna. Can you leave me and C.J. alone for a minute, please.”

Donna looked hesitant, glancing between Josh’s posture on the chair and her. C.J. didn’t blame Donna for acting this way. If she had known how Josh was going to react, she would have done this a different way. But then Donna left, and C.J. knew that even though she had acquiesced to Josh’s request, she would be right by his side as soon as this conversation was over.

“I’m sorry, C.J.. I don’t...I don’t know what came over me.”

She gulped and nodded, “It’s okay, mi amor.”

“What do they have C.J.?” his voice sounded tired. So tired and it scared the hell out of her.

“Steve gave it to me. The tip. Someone saw you screaming at the Capitol Building at night. He didn’t tell me who his source was, but he did say that it was from someone who works closely with a Republican congressman.”

Josh sat up, his face despondent. “It’s probably going to be Claypool or Lillienfield. They haven’t done their weekly sorjourns on the Hill in a while and the fact of the matter is, with this, they know they can go digging. They’re going to find out about the visits to Stanley, the visits to the therapist he sent me to, the meds, the...the diagnosis.”

C.J nodded, not knowing what else to say, going to sit on the other visitor’s chair.

* * *

 

He stood up and walked back to his regular chair, sitting down in it and leaning back. After a minute, he started to organize things on his desk, putting things in drawers and bins marked ‘To be filed’ and ‘To be read’. Once his desk was cleared a bit, he looked at C.J.

“What’s the plan? It’s too big of a tip to comment ‘The White House does not comment on the personal lives of our staff’. If its Lillienfeld or Claypool, like I expect it is, they are going to want to start hearings. Our whole agenda stops again. And its, once again, because of me. I can see it now ‘Loony Lyman: The Bartlet Administration’s Actual Crackpot’”

C.J. stood up at this, frowning. “Hey partner, we’re not just going to take all this lying down. No, we are going to beat it and then grind Lillienfield and Claypool into dust. We’ll just go hard defense. We go to Leo and we-”

Josh sighed exasperatedly, “We’re not going to go to Leo.”

C.J. looked at him like he was stupid. “Are you stupid? Of course we have to go to Leo. When he finds out what is going on he-”

“C.J.! I’m already on thin ice as it is with Leo. He’s not going to care about any of this. It’s just another one of my screwups. You know that trade deal we're working on? I had to beg Leo to let me join our delegation. We’re not going to Leo, because I’m going to handle it myself. We aren’t going to play defensive because I’m going to make sure it doesn’t become a story.”

“Josh, what are you talking about? We need to involve Leo because this isn’t something that you can just fix by threatening and corralling unruly Congressman.” C.J. sputtered. “ And of course, he would care about this. Josh, you’re his Deputy. If he was here right now, he would be talking of raising an army. You are more to him than just a member of Senior Staff. You’r-”

“God, is that really how you think that I would solve this? Do you think I’m so stupid and cocksure that I would do something like that when it involves me?”

“Josh, I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes, you did. And I get it. I do. I did it when it came down to Leo, President Bartlet, and this adminstration countless times. This is different. Leo will not care about this because I am just a Deputy Chief of Staff. I’m not irreplaceable. Nothing more nothing less.”

“Josh… That’s not true. It's true that Leo has been unduly harsh on you. Hell, you deserved it for the first day, but not to the extent that it lasted. But I'm _telling_ you, he'd care. Is that why you don't want to go to home? Is this because of -”

“It’s not because of the Carrick thing, or the Angela thing, or the budget thing, or even the 'accordion-type folder of responsibilities' thing. This is just the way it is, C.J.. Hell, most Senior Staffers don't last 18 months, let alone five and a half years. "

C.J. shook her head, “Listen here, buckaroo, even if you think that’s how Leo would feel, you’re forgetting about the Bartlets and me and Toby and Donna and Charlie and...heck, even Will. You think Sam's going to stay in California when he hears about this. We won’t this take this lying down.”

Josh sighed, not even bothering to say that the likelihood of Sam coming out to defend him was as negligible as a Republican agreeing to a universal strengthening of gun control legislation. That the last time he heard from Sam was after the Carrick situation and that when he tried to contact Sam and talk it out, he'd been ignored. That he wondered whether it took Sam leaving to California and never coming back to finally realize how fucking messed up of a person his best friend was and that he had ruined his life. “Fine. Since I can’t convince you, we can go see Leo. Make a plan.” He went and opened the door to his office. “Hey Donna? Can you call Margaret and see if he’s available right now?”

“Yeah sure.”

_Silence_   


"She says he has 30 minutes free right now."

“Thanks. Tell her that C.J. and I will be right there.”

C.J. smiled for the first time she had stepped into his office. “We’re going to handle this Josh. And god forbid anyone tries to take us on, bring it on.”

Josh gave a weak smile, putting on his suit jacket, as they began to walk out of his office.

* * *

 

They walked for a few seconds before he turned back around, “Hold on. I gotta get something from my office.”

C.J. stopped and waited for him near the entrance of the Operations Bullpen.

He ran back inside his office, grabbed the key that was on his desk, and unlocked the bottm drawer. Inside contained his Bach cd’s, old family photos, and buried at the bottom, two sealed white envelopes. He got them out and put them in his jacket pocket. 

He went to C.J. and smiled faintly, “Lets go.”

The letters were addressed to ‘Leo McGarry, Chief of Staff to the President of the United States’ and ‘President Josiah Bartlet, President of the United States’

  
  
  
  



	2. I Had to Find You, Tell You I Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the next chapter. It is full of angst, with a light sprinkling of fluff because I like you guys. Please review if you have the chance. I'd love to know what you think.

“Margaret! I’m going down to the mess. Don’t tell anyone I’m there. I’m getting bothered enough as it is by the Prime Minister of Luxembourg and he’s not even in my office.”

Leo McGarry set the security brief that he had been reading on the desk and took his glasses off. It had been non-stop for him since the kidnapping of Zoey and even the “slow news day” that they had just had couldn’t be considered one for him, what with Toby and the President conspiring in the early hours to save social security. So the fact that he had 30 minutes free at 4 p.m. wasn’t something he would take for granted.

Margaret came and stood in front of the door, “You’re not going to the mess. You have an appointment.”

Leo glared at her, “I do not have an appointment. I checked. I have thirty minutes free.”

“You checked right now?”

“Yes. I checked 5-10 minutes ago. I’m free. Now move.”

“But 5-10 minutes ago isn’t right now. Now, you have an appointment. I just set it up.”

“Damnit, Margaret. I just wanted thirty minutes. That’s all. Just 30 minutes by myself, in the Mess, without having to worry about matters of life and death.”

“Well, you should have told me that earlier. See what happens when you consult other people before you consult me?”

“Other people?! I consulted myself! You are the one scheduling appointments without my knowledge.”

“Five minutes ago, I asked you if it was okay if I scheduled C.J. and Josh in for thirty minutes right now.”

It wasn’t often that Margaret’s glares put Leo in his place; today was one of those days as he winced, vaguely beginning to remember the conversation he had had when he was engrossed with the security briefing that had resulted in the inadvertent scheduling of his only free period.

He mumbled an apology and grudgingly skulked back to his desk, groaning as he sat down, took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes. “Do you know what they want?”

Margaret shook her head. “Donna didn’t say. The only thing she said was that Josh was looking frustrated and that she had heard yelling coming from inside his office, shortly after CJ went in.”

Leo rolled his eyes as he looked up at her. “Great. Josh is losing it in his office over something minimal again and not being able to handle it on his own, again.”

If he saw the slight downturn of Margaret’s mouth and the shift from apathy to barely concealed exasperation at that last sentence, he didn’t say anything.

“They’ll be here in a minute. And I’ll call down to the mess, for lunch.” With that she walked out, leaving the door open.

* * *

Josh and C.J. approached the door a minute later.

“Leo? Can we come in.”

Leo could tell by the uncertain tone in C.J.’s voice that something was wrong and his exasperation went away for the moment. “Yeah, What’s going on?”

C.J. cleared her throat, glanced at Josh who was standing still and looking at Leo everywhere but his eyes, and started. “I got a tip, after my briefing at two from Steve. Someone from a Republican Congressman’s office gave him a tip about something that happened around the time that there was that tornado in Oklahoma last year.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “You came in here over something that happened back in November? You guys? You need me over-.”

“Leo. I’ve been doing this job for 5 and a half years now. Do you think I would drag Josh in here over something that wasn’t big?” C.J. said curtly. “Now, as I was saying. Steve came by and gave me a tip. One night during that week, someone witnessed Josh getting out of a cab at about 9 or 10ish at night, and they saw him screaming at the Capitol Building in the middle of the street. The reason I brought Josh is that we have reason to believe that the reason they took so long to start releasing tips is that they decided to do some digging and-”

At this point, Leo had heard enough. But if he was going to be completely honest, he had tuned out after the part about Josh screaming at the Capitol Building, Leo could only see red, and he interrupted C.J.’s talking at this point, standing up and walking up to Josh, beginning to yell.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to destroy this administration, because if so you’re doing a heck of a good job at it? I thought since the President brought you back on board, you were going to stop doing this to us. You were going to stop destroying everything you touched!”

While Josh had remained silent for the majority of his time in the office, he quickly jumped into the conversation at Leo’s accusation. “Destroying everything I touch?! Really?! I try my best. I run everything I do by you, especially with what little I have to do now, and yet I am the destroyer of this administration? I screamed at a building Leo, you know why? You want to know why?”

“Josh,” CJ whispered, placing her hand on his shoulder. This conversation was going downhill fast, and it hadn’t even got to the essential part of the possibility of Josh’s PTSD coming into light and the possibility of hearings.

“No. C.J. He wants to know. It was because, after the kidnapping, we were in retreat mode, we were running away and let the Republicans steamroll us, and you know what, you were letting them. Hell, you were their ringleader, and when a Dixiecrat decides to show their true colors finally, you decide that it’s not your strategy that’s not working, it’s mine; Because I’m the problem. So yeah, Leo, I did scream at a building. I screamed at the Capitol Building because there wasn’t a fucking window to punch my hand through.”

At this, the whole room turned silent and Leo, who had previously been seeing red, felt his anger dissipate as his brain caught up with everything that C.J. and Josh had said. Then he realized what Josh had just said, and he immediately paled, “Josh…”

* * *

He could see that Josh was visibly trembling. He watched in guilt as Josh snapped his eyes shut and walked backward until he was against the closest wall that he could find. Leo could see Josh attempt to regulate his breathing, and he realized that this was what he had done to his deputy.

“Josh...I..-”

He was interrupted by Josh who began to speak again but in an eerily quiet and calm voice. “That’s what C.J. was trying to tell you. That we think Claypool or Lillienfield are the ones who have it and that they know about my PTSD, they know about Stanley Keyworth, they know about the first therapist I saw in D.C. whose name was Stanley, and they know that I am seeing a therapist that Stanley Keyworth recommended who gave me medication and all these techniques. That C.J. thinks that we need to have a plan and I somewhat agree with her, just not in the same way she does.”

At the mention of her name, C.J spoke up, although it was clear that there was a tremor in her voice due to the implications of Josh’s outburst, “We need to get it out there. Play some hardball and make this a non-news story. Maybe on a take out the trash day. We need interviews and to get rid of the stigma. That way Lillienfield and Claypool have nothing.”

Josh shook his head, “That’s not going to work.” He finally came off the wall. “No matter what, they are going to want hearings, and they are going to want my head. And this time, you need to do it. The whole trial is going to do nothing but distract from the administration, just as we are beginning to make a comeback and in my professional opinion, as Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning, we are not up for a fight right now, Leo. You and I both know that that you are not up for a fight either, not with all the rest you have on your plate.”

Leo’s eyes widened, “Josh, what are you saying?”

C.J’s face was panicked now as she realized now what Josh had gone back to his office for. “Leo,” she said urgently, “You can’t let him do this this.”

“I’m saying, I need to resign.”

At that moment, two white envelopes were pulled out of Josh’s jacket. One was extended to Leo.

“Leo! You can not take that! Josh, please put it away.”

“C.J….”

“Leo, you can not tell me that you are actually considering this!” C.J said her voice raising. She turned around and opened the door, and went to Margaret. “Margaret, can you get Toby in here? As soon as possible. If he objects, say he needs to meet with an old friend of Leo’s.” She didn’t wait to see Margaret’s face pale, so instead, she ran back into the room.

“Leo. This will only make all of this worse. Plus, we can’t leave him out to dry. For God’s sake Leo,” C.J argued.

“This is my decision, Claudia Jean,” Josh murmured, he looked at her with a sad smile. He straightened and looked at Leo, setting the envelope on Leo’s desk. “If this meeting is over, I’m going back to my office. I’ll be there until you decide.” With that, he walked out

Toby rushed in and looked back at Josh’s retreating figure. “I got here as fast as I could. What the hell is going on?”

C.J. sighed, rubbing her head. “Claypool or Lillienfield know about Josh’s PTSD, the therapists, the medication, and the Christmas of 2000. We have reason to believe that they are going to try to get hearings. I want to play hardball. Josh wants to resign. Leo hasn’t refused his letter and has accused him of destroying everything he touches.”

Toby reddened. “What the hell, Leo? What are you doing? CJ is damn right that we need to play hardball. Why are we even having this conversation? Don’t you remember that Josh nearly perjured himself when it came down to your hearings about drug abuse? How he spent the entire day of your hearing for the MS stuff trying to get people to drag Gibson out of the room? How Josh tried to fund an NIH study on prayer so a bill that you wanted to pass would pass. How he was the only one who listened to what the President wanted, and he ended the shutdown! Why the hell shouldn't we fight for this, especially since this wasn’t Josh’s fault in the first place?!”

“Toby, you’re crossing a line,” Leo growled, but Toby continued.

“Don’t you remember the 13 goddamn hours he spent in surgery, where he flatlined twice? The three months in the hospital and the three months at home? Christmas, where we didn’t notice anything until he was screaming about sirens, going nearly comatose at a concert, and coming in with a crude bandage on his hand?”

Leo bristled and snapped. “Don’t lecture me, Toby. All I’m saying is that this administration does not need that right now and Josh agrees with me. And don’t you try to say that I don’t care about Josh. That I don’t know what he has done for this administration? Do not even go there. He is my Deputy. He is my-.”

Leo stopped and took a step back. Things were getting too emotional, and he’d nearly said something that he wouldn’t be able to take back. He went and sat on his couch placing his head in his hands, “But I have to think about what’s best for the administration. And Josh knows that too. And we are just getting back on our feet and-”

“And that’s mostly my fault.”

* * *

Leo looked up at the sound of the new voice and saw that it was President Bartlet. He quickly stood up, masking his emotions. “Good Afternoon, Mr. President.”

“Good Afternoon, sir.”

“Good Afternoon, C.J.; Toby; Leo. I heard lots of ruckus going on in here. I couldn’t help but overhear some of it. You can’t blame this on Leo, you guys.”

“Sir, we didn’t mean to imply-.”

“C.J., it’s alright. You’re worried about Josh. I am too from what I heard. But I know Leo here is probably the most torn up about it. You know how I know?”

“How sir?”

“Because it is the same way I felt after Zoey came back. Helpless. Out for the count. But the thing is, I let it get in the way of my job. It was left to Leo to be both Chief of Staff and the President at the same time. To keep things going. Get the administration restarted and back into the groove of things. What was it, C.J., that you told me back in Oklahoma?”

“We're all frightened. This is... the world is too dangerous now. Unpredictable. I need you back. I need you to lead.”

“Yes. Well, for the past nine months that’s been on Leo’s plate, and even though I’ve stepped up, it’s time I finally take the whole weight of this off his shoulders. We’re going to play hardball and make those yahoos on Capitol Hill wish they never messed with us.” President Bartlett smiled and placed a hand on his old friend’s shoulder. He looked at C.J. who finally had light in her eyes.

“How does that sound, Claudia Jean?”

“Wonderful, Mr. President. Let’s do this.”

The President looked at Toby who had remained quiet for the duration of President Bartlet’s speech. “Toby?”

Toby looked at the President and took a breath. “I’d like to say, about damn time Mr. President, sir, but I think that would ruin the moment. But about this, I’d like to say that I’d like your permission to stick a pitchfork down Lillienfield’s and Claypool’s throats.”

Finally, the President looked at Leo. “Well, Leo?”

Leo took a breath and put his glasses on, “Well, Mr. President. I-”

Suddenly there was a knock, and the door to Leo’s office swung open to reveal a pale Margaret and a frantic Carol. “C.J., turn on the news. Lillienfield’s doing a press conference.”

CJ’s face widened in shock, “A press conference?” She looked at her watch, “It’s nearly 5:15 pm. The filing deadline is less than 45 minutes away. There’s no way-”

Margaret quickly grabbed the remote to Leo’s tv and turned it on to the news where, true to Carol’s word, stood Lillienfield in front of Capitol Hill with a gaggle of reporters. “ _And I stand here today to discuss, once again, the underhandedness and duplicity of those that work in the West Wing…”_

Toby’s face reddened, “Margaret. Get Josh. Call Donna, tell her to turn off his tv and get him here now.”

Margaret quickly complied and got on the phone, only to come back even paler than before.  
“That was Donna. Josh was really torn up, and so she enacted ‘The Rules” and sent him home. He left about 10 minutes ago. She’s trying him on his cell, but she put both of them at the bottom of his backpack. He walked to work today.”

 _..._ “ _in particular, I am talking about the Deputy White House Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman, a man who is a close advisor to the President, yet should not be even in this distinguished role…”_

Carol ran back into the office, “C.J. I need you to come to the Briefing Room. They’re going crazy. Also...Katie just told me something, Leo. There is a huge flock of reporters on their way to wait outside of Josh’s apartment.”

Leo’s face reddened.

It wasn’t just Leo who reacted to this news, however, but President Bartlet as well. “Mrs. Fiderer,” he yelled, walking out of Leo’s office and into the area in which Debbie sat. “Get me, Ron Butterfield, now. I need a Security Detail sent to Josh Lyman’s apartment at once. Bring him back to the Residence, and I swear to God, I want them to run over any reporter who gets in their way.”


	3. Running in Circles, Coming Up Tails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. There are probably a million excuses that I could give you, but instead I'm just going to let you read. Please review if you have a chance.

As Josh staggered out of the White House, his backpack correctly being worn instead of its usual place slung over one of his shoulders, he felt a weight in his chest that he hadn’t felt since the Carrick fiasco and the shutout from his responsibilities that had followed.

The two letters that he had placed on Leo’s desk had been sitting in his drawer since that time and the fact that he had to take them out of that drawer hurt. Ever since he was old enough to understand what politics was and how politics, when one got in it for the right reasons, could help people and change their lives for the better, he knew it was what he wanted to do for a living. He tried to help people the way his father helped people and the way that he wished people had helped his grandfather.

And for a while, he had thought that he was accomplishing that goal.

Sure there were times where he had to overrule his ideas and values to get things accomplished, especially in the centrist environment that was Washington D.C, but for the most part, he felt like he was making a real difference.

Here he was again at the rocky cliff that represented the precarious state of his job. He was, once again, going to be the talk of Washington D.C and not as ‘Bartlet’s Bulldog’ or that horrid ‘101st Senator.’ Joshua Lyman was once again going to be the member of the Bartlet Senior Staff that people wondered why he hadn’t been fired yet. And this time, it was because of something he couldn’t control. A stupid illness that had made his life ten times more difficult.

A stupid illness that had been exacerbated by the last couple of months in which he could do nothing right. A disorder that was about to be revealed to the whole world and would finally confirm some of the suspicions in and around the Beltway that there was something ‘quite wrong with Josh Lyman.’

Today had also made him wonder whether his mother was right.

* * *

Ever since he got into politics, instead of following the footsteps of his father, she had worried about him. They were such a small family and the fact that he was six hours away and the number one target of any terrorist attack, foreign or domestic, did not help matters at all. She always had supported his decision though, and she made it clear whenever they had a conversation how proud she and, when he was still alive, his father was of him. After that fateful day in Rosslyn a few years ago, that changed. She began to worry more about him and began to hint that while she supported anything he did, it would make her much happier if he went into the private sector; when he had been pushed out of the fold the first time, her urging to leave the White House had intensified. He had reassured her as always, albeit deceivingly, that he was perfectly fine.

Josh knew that he needed to call her and soon. He didn’t want her to have to find out about everything through the news, especially when it came to the emergency room trip of Christmas 2000 and the reasons behind it. He knew that he should have told her but as much as she tried to protect him, Josh wanted to protect her as well.

Protect his mother from knowing how close she came to being the only surviving member of the Lyman family during the holiday season of 2000. How even though the bullet that was within 2 centimeters of killing him didn’t; despite its attempt to by causing him to flatline twice and be on a litany of pills for the rest of his life, he had gone through a spiral where he wanted to end it all, leaving her to be alone.

He was very good at protecting his mother from his feelings, especially since he had been doing it when he was only seven years old.

Josh knew that by telling her this, his mother's half-hearted pleas would turn into full-throated demands for him to quit. If he didn’t listen, she would move on to Leo. While Leo and his mother had been friends as long as he could remember, he also knew that when angry, Rebecca Lyman frightened the hell out of his boss. ‘Well, at least since I’ve resigned, this is one I can’t destroy with my touch. He won’t have to hear it from my mom anymore.’ Josh thought bitterly, recalling the heated argument that had been held in Leo’s office a short while ago. Even though his last confrontation with Leo wasn’t how he wanted it to be, a huge part of Josh still wanted to protect him, so when he called his mother later he would make sure that she wouldn’t go after him.

He could feel his pager and his cell vibrating in his backpack, but honestly, he could care less. He knew that it was probably Toby or C.J. trying to get him to come back and go to one of their offices so that he could be looked over. That or Leo wanting him back so that he could reject the resignation and fire him instead. Despite the natural urge in him to answer it when he could keep feeling the vibrations, he used all the power within him not to give in.

Josh was glad that Donna had reinstated ‘The Rules’ because as much as he complained (or as Donna called it: whined) about them, after today he was emotionally wiped and didn’t know how much more he could handle before he broke completely and couldn’t stop himself as he was able to in his office and Leo’s office. Additionally, his body, especially his left leg and left shoulder, was killing him. With only three more blocks remaining until he was at his apartment building, he was already fascinating taking his pills and going to sleep.

As he got closer, he began to notice that there were more vans on his street than there were cars from when he left this morning. He tried to breathe deeply and calm himself, reassuring himself that there was no way, with the print deadline being at 6 and the American public’s distaste of watching the nightly news, that this had anything to do with him.

As he got to his block, those reassuring thoughts went out the window as he was suddenly surrounded by dozens of flashing cameras and a barrage of shouted questions coming from left and right. He tried his best to stay calm, as he started to walk up the stairs, ignoring the barrage, but he was quickly becoming overwhelmed and could feel his chest tighten and the panic begin to set in. He tried his best one last time to calm himself, but suddenly there was the sound of sirens and he tripped on the staircase. When he fell, the panic fully set in and he was gone.

* * *

“Please.” Donna pleaded as she and Toby sat in the backseat of the speeding Secret Service vehicle. “You can keep the lights on, but turn off the sirens. If it’s bad as I think it’s going to be, no sirens.”

“Sorry, ma’am. It’s protocol that we keep the sirens on. Besides, we need to ensure that these news agencies get out of our way and don’t try to block us in.”

“I’m sorry, but how would that even be possible.” Toby raged, his hands nearly clenched. “We are riding in a speeding, black Escalade that’s the length of a bus! How on Earth would anyone block us? Also, this is a man who has who has had an exceedingly rough 3 hours, whose personal life is going to be dragged through the press, and who can be especially triggered by the sound of sirens. Your job is to protect! Turn the damn things off and protect!”

The agent driving remained silent, but the agent who sat next to him turned the sirens off.

Donna looked gratefully over at Toby, and he calmed at her worried face, reaching over and squeezing her hand silently. Even though he didn’t say it out loud, Donna knew how much Toby cared for Josh and that he worried as much as she did about how this was going to affect Josh, especially after he was starting to recover from the Carrick situation. That was the main reason why when Ron Butterfield sent out these two agents to get Josh, Leo asked them to tag along.

While Leo had been initially subdued about the Josh-Lillienfield fiasco and was leaning toward accepting Josh's resignation, President Bartlet's speech in Leo's office and the knowledge that Josh was going to ambushed by the press seemed to eradicate that idea. It was clear that Leo was ready to start fully rebuilding his relationship both personally and professionally, even if he hadn't said any of it out loud yet. 

“How long until we get there?” Donna asked as they turned another corner.

“3 minutes.”

“What do we need to do, Donna?” Toby whispered.

“I-It depends. If Josh does not have a full blown attack, then we can maybe get him in the car if we are firm but gentle. If he has a full blown attack,” and at this Donna felt her eyes water, but she tried to shake them away, “If he has a full blown attack, he’s not going to be able to move on his own and, dear God, I hope he’s inside, and the reporters aren’t there yet. Hopefully with the sirens being off-.”

It was at that point, the sirens went off, and Donna and Toby blanched as they realized why the secret service agents had turned the sirens on. News reporters and their vans were everywhere and were pressing closer and closer to Josh’s door before suddenly stopping. It was not looking like Josh had made it inside.

This was proven when Toby’s pager went off with the message ‘JOSH SOS’ from a White House number. It was clear that the people back at the White House were seeing what was going on in front of Josh's apartment.

The car abruptly stopped and Donna and Toby jumped out of the car, preceded by the two agents who were breaking up the crowd and clearing a path for them to get to Josh. When Toby saw Josh, his mind flashed back to Rosslyn and finding Josh then; Josh’s face was gaunt, his breathing was shallow, and his eyes exuded panic just like that day. It made him sick. They ran up to him, ignoring and on one occasion pushing the reporters who were still trying to get at Josh. Donna knelt on the ground beside him.

“Josh? Josh, it’s okay. You’re safe; you’re safe Josh. You’re going to be okay. We’re at home and-”. Donna stopped abruptly and looked at Toby panicked, “We need to get him out of here. He does not even recognize me, I don’t think he is in full-blown attack mode, but it’s getting close.”

Toby nodded and with Donna’s assistance, managed to guide the semi-conscious Josh to the car, all the while ignoring the questions of:

_‘Does this mean Congressman Lillienfield’s accusations are true?’_

_‘How long has the Bartlet administration known about this?’_

_‘Why is someone like this in a position that demands them to be on top of their game at all time?’_

_‘How long has Josh Lyman been crazy?’_

Thank God, Toby Ziegler had Josh Lyman leaning on him or else Toby would have punched the lights out of the reporter who asked that last question.

As the Secret Service started the car, they hit the sirens again to clear the reporters who had gathered around the vehicle, ignoring Toby’s yell to turn them off. Josh, who was sitting in the very last row with Donna who was attempting to help him breathe, froze once more and as Toby watched him anxiously, he knew that if Josh hadn’t had a full-blown panic attack, he was now.

* * *

Two hours later found President Bartlet, Donna, and the Bartlet Senior Staff sans Josh sitting in the Oval Office completely silent.

By the time they had got back from Josh’s apartment, Josh was still not doing well, and President Bartlet had arranged for him to be taken to a guest room in the Residence and to be seen by the doctor on duty. He had promptly been given a light sedative.

Now, they were all sitting here in the Oval Office; C.J. was getting a million press questions from the White House Pool who had all decided that they no longer wanted to return to their offices or homes. Instead, the press wanted to know more about Josh Lyman and the accusations made by Congressman Claypool, and so she decided to go to the one place where the Pool couldn’t go.

Toby and Donna were haggard and pale, and in addition to this Toby held an icepack to his hand. While Donna had more experience when dealing with Josh’s panic attacks, Toby had witnessed and helped out in his fair share of Josh's panic attacks as well. For this episode, it had required both of them and after Josh had been sedated, Toby had taken a fist to the wall and rubbed his head, trying not to shed tears of frustration in front of Donna, who was still holding it together; he didn't know how long that would last. They hated that they both knew that this was going to get harder before it got better.

The President couldn’t help but look around at everyone in the room and feel helpless. There was no platitude, no “inane trivia,” as his staff called it, that could help in this situation, and he was supposed to be the most powerful man in the world.

Leo had remained silent. he wanted to wait to talk to Josh before he said anything; he knew that in Donna's, C.J.'s, and Toby's eyes a part of this was his fault. He couldn't blame them, but he wanted to talk with Josh before he approached the other three to show that he was in it for the long haul and would give anyone who crossed Josh hell. 

There was a knock at the door, and it slowly opened to reveal a very pale and subdued looking Margaret, “Leo? You have a call from-”

“I’m not here, Margaret. Hold all the calls.”

“But, Leo. It’s-.”

“Margaret, I said-.”

“It’s Rebecca Lyman, Josh’s mother, she’s on the phone, and she wants to speak to you. Now.”

Leo paled.


	4. Tell You I Set You Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, you guys. But I got a ton of inspiration, especially due to the fact that I'm in Washington D.C right now. I know it's been slow going in terms of the story line, but I promise on all the stars above, that it will pick up starting next chapter. Please read and review if you have the time, I really appreciate it. And shout-out to TheBreakfastGenie for reviewing every single chapter so far and giving me so much feedback here and on tumblr.

Leo entered his office and approached the phone tentatively, almost as if it was going to attack him on behalf of Rebecca. He picked up the phone and taking a deep breath, pressed the button that would remove the call from hold.

“Hello?”

“You son of a bitch.”

Leo winced. If this call had come 2 hours earlier, pre-epiphany, he probably would have bristled at his oldest friend’s wife use of an epithet and gone toe to toe with her. Now though, now he knew he deserved it and had deserved it for a long time.

He took another breath and closed his eyes, “Hey Rebecca. Look, before you say anything, I want to say something.”

“No. Your time for talking to me ended when I received the last call from Josh a week ago, and he told me he was okay. That even though the man he idolized, on the same level as his father and grandfather, was treating him like gum on the bottom of a shoe simply for doing his job, that he was fine. That things had settled down. Well, tell me how he is fine when I find out from the news that my son, my baby boy, has an illness that he was keeping from me. Tell me how he’s fine when the news mentions that Joshua tried to...that he tried to-and how he looked so pale and so frightened on the news. Tell me, Leo McGarry. You tell me that he’s fine. Go ahead say it. Tell me, my little boy is just in his office right now, being his usual self as I just watched him shaking on tv being carried by Tobias and Donnatella. ”

Leo winced but stayed strong. “I admit. It looks bad, but honestly Becca, he was fine. I’m going to take care of it. You don’t have to worry. Josh is going to make it out of this; I’m going to make sure of it. Trust me, Becca.”

“Rebecca. My name is Rebecca to you, McGarry. And oh, I should trust you? Is Josh going to make it out of this? Well, excuse me, if I don’t believe it. Especially with how well you made sure to make sure Josh would “make it out” with regards to the situation from Carrick. Let me guess; you were going to make him resign and knowing my boy, he gave you a legal out by having a letter already prepared. Because you’re Leo McGarry and he wouldn’t do that to you or President Bartlet. ”

Leo bristled at this. His decisions with Carrick had been brought up too many times today, and while he finally agreed with the consensus that what he did had been overboard, it was getting to be too much. He also didn’t like that his oldest friend’s wife knew him and her son too well. “I don’t like the insinuation you’re making. He’s a good Deputy, and so, of course, he would look at it from all different angles. And never has Josh done something he hasn’t wanted to do. Don’t make it sound like I’m some mob boss who makes it so that his employees do things on their own volition so that they can’t connect it back to me.”

“A good Deputy? An insinuation? Well, guess what? It’s not an insinuation, and he’s not just a good Deputy. Joshua makes big mistakes, and I know that. But I also know that he tries so damn hard to impress you. How he is a damn good deputy. How he pushes himself nearly to the brink again and again, in spite of his health and this, and doesn’t say a word.”

Leo felt the tears come to his eyes but held firm, “No, no you don’t know what your talking-”

“You think I don’t have any grounds to talk about this because I’m his mother? That this is just me calling because I’m upset because he’s hurt? No, I’m calling because this is your wake up call. He would lose it all to protect you, Leo. When he had been shot, and he woke up in a panic and the first thing he did was apologize to you for being out of commission even though he was in massive amounts of pain. How he was barely able to speak at all, and yet he was apologizing because he couldn’t work and saw a slight grimace on your face.”

“Stop it.”

“How he stopped seeing the therapist that I did know about it for ten months because he knew you wanted the White House to look strong going into the transition.”

“Stop it-”

“ ‘Hey sorry, Ma! I can’t come home on Christmas this year. I know we’re Jewish, but Leo needs this to get done, and I can’t let him down. I know I wasn’t able to come to celebrate a few weeks ago, but hey the life of a public servant.’ ”

“You can’t-”

“How Donnatella, being the good girl and assistant she is, crying in tears that Josh was sick. That he was sick, but he was refusing to get medical attention, because you had barely let him back in and he needed to get work done. But how she couldn’t say any more than that because Josh would kill her if he knew.”

His replied ‘No’ was much weaker and wavering, almost desperate.

“And let me guess. When you didn’t answer my question of how Joshua was, you knew exactly how he was. You knew exactly how he was because Donnatella and Tobias probably sent for the doctor on call. How he’s probably really sick right now.”

“Rebecca, please.”

“How you said something to him that made him leave the White House at five in the afternoon. I know my boy’s work cycle. He makes sure he stays until midnight or a little before you leave, at least. How you were the reason that he was being ambushed at his apartment. How you know damn well, that when he gets slightly better, he’s going to feel bad for all the mess he has caused you and the President, but mostly you. Because for some damn reason, he loves you, Leo.”

It was at this point that Leo broke down, in his refined way, of course, sinking into his visitor’s chair.

There was silence on the phone as Rebecca Lyman stopped her spiel and Leo knew that she was aware of finally getting to see everything in perspective; Even if it came at the expense of the state of apathy when it came to emotional matters.

“So,” she began firmly, but in a softer tone of voice. “What are you going to do about it? How are you going to get him through this, as a boss but as something more which I know you have been struggling to accept? Because I’m on my way to Washington D.C. and I’m serious Leo, I will take him back to Florida if I have to. This is the third time -and with what the news is mentioning, I suspect that number is higher than that- that I’ve nearly lost him. I’m not doing it, Leo. So, what are you going to do about it? I’ll be there late tomorrow.”

“I’m not going to let him go through this alone. We are not. I’m not. I wasn’t before, but-”

“For your sake, you better hope so. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

With that, the line clicked.

* * *

Leo wiped his eyes and tried to compose himself. “Margaret,” he croaked.

Margaret opened the doors, worry evident on her face. “Yes, Leo?”

“Can you see if Josh is awake?”

She nodded, and he took a few calming breaths as he waited for her to return.

“He seems to be dosing on and off, now. The doctor said not to overwhelm him with anything that is too much right now. You know, if you want to visit him, maybe you should bring Toby or Donna. Or C.J., C.J. always knows how to bring him up out of things. Because when I was studiously at my desk-.”

“When you were at the door, relaying information back to the Oval, you mean?”

“When I was studiously at my desk, Toby and Donna didn’t seem to be too thrilled that you wanted to see if he was awake and maybe they’re right. Because you are very emotional and, well I don’t know why because Mrs. Lyman was lovely and gentle on the phone. Although she also seemed to be very angry with you, I understand why I mean it’s Josh, and it’s Josh’s mom.”

“Margaret, you know I try to hang in there. I try, and I know this is one of my punishment’s but can you please get me, Toby and Donna. I can deal with them, and I think they’ll be surprised.”

“Okay, but maybe you should stand against the wall. It never really seemed to work for Josh, but maybe it’ll be okay for you. Although, you both are very similar so maybe not-”

“MARGARET.”

When Toby and Donna first came into Leo’s office, they didn’t know what to think. They hadn’t heard him speak since they were ordered to get Josh from his apartment. Now that he was calling them in after Margaret had relayed back to them all that Leo wanted to see if Josh was awake and that it looked like he was and had been crying, they felt a touch of optimism. The bit of confidence that Leo was going to finally take the offered hand from President Bartlet to relieve the extra, presidential weight on his shoulders and reveal the Leo McGarry that had been in hiding.

“I’m going up to see Josh and thought it wise, on advice from Margaret of all people, to bring you with me. I need to talk to him and you can ensure things don’t get out of hand.”

Toby hardened. “Why would they get out of hand and why would you attempt to talk about something that could get out of hand. The man just had a full-throated panic attack. Something I haven’t seen in a year or two. He’s leveling off, and you want to put him on a down road spiral?”

Donna chimed in. “You’re firing him, aren’t you?”

Toby’s eyes blazed at that thought. “I swear to God Leo if that’s what this is. I will resign in five seconds and sue this administration all the way to Kazakhstan and back if I have to.”

Leo said nothing but took a deep, exasperated sigh. “I’m not going to fire him. Seriously, guys, you think that low of me?”

“It's not like that’s been hard lately,” Donna muttered. Her respect that she always displayed when talking to Leo and the president was non-existent, and if it hadn’t had to do with Josh and her fierce loyalty to him, Leo would have called her out on it, but he didn’t. Instead, he moved on.

“I want you there, for Josh. You two are the best equipped, and well, Josh and I need to talk now. Before any of this gets started and out of our control.”

They both reluctantly nodded and went up to the Residence, heading to the guest room Josh was in. Toby and Donna stayed near the door. C.J. and the President followed a few minutes later.

* * *

Leo went in quietly and sat down by Josh’s bed. “Josh, come on Josh I need to talk to you.”

It took a while, but finally Josh came to.

“L-Leooo?”

“Hey, kid.”

“Where’m I?”

“That doesn’t matter right now. What matters now, is this. I was wrong Josh. About so many things and its time I got them right.”

“R-Right?”

“Yeah, right. I’ve messed up and never for a moment do I ever want you to think that you have ever been less than the most integral part of this team. This thing we have here in Washington.”

It was at that point Josh became more cognizant, and Leo could see the panic set in. “The-The hearings; Lillienfield; my PTSD; M’sorry. M’sorry. I’ll go. I’ll leave and-and.”

Donna began to step forward, but Toby held her back. He wanted to see if Leo was going to do what he thought Leo was going to do.

“No. Don’t you dare apologize for that. The moment you apologize to me about you having your name dragged through the mud for something you can’t control, about a disease, is when I know I failed.”

“Leo, not your-”

“And if you think, for a moment, I’m going to let them railroad you into resigning like this, you’re wrong because I’m not going to let that happen. We are not going to let that happen.”

“Need to re-”

“Don’t you say that word. You are my right-hand man, and I’m not letting you resign, until whomever else wants you to run their campaign, get them in this office, and is a good man. I’m not going to do that to you, not after all you have done for me. Now, you rest up, and I’ll see you in the morning. You need to rest.”

It was at this point that Toby and Donna quietly stepped out and Josh stopped his protests, unsure of all these new developments, especially with his brain still out of whack. Any demonstrations he had were waved away by the fact that the doctor had come back in.

“He’s going to give you something to sleep, okay kid?”

Josh shook his head, and Leo smiled, for the first time in weeks. “Ugh, you Lymans are stubborn. You need it kid and I need you in tip-top shape. Your mom already wants to kill me as it is. Besides, if we are going to kick Lillienfield’s ass, I need my pit bull at full strength.”

Josh smiled a bit, and the doctor administered the sedative. As Leo could tell the effects begin to take place, he did something that he knew Josh wouldn’t remember. It was something Leo hadn’t done since Josh had been a little boy.  
There had been a few nights, right after Jonika Lyman had passed, where Josh had stayed with him, Jenny, and an infant Mallory in Boston. It had been the middle of the night when Leo had awoken to a disturbance, he didn’t know what it was, but he knew he had needed to check on Josh for some reason.

When he had walked into the guest room, he saw the seven and a half year old curled up in a ball, shaking. Although he hadn’t had much experience when it came to comforting Josh, even after knowing him since Josh was a three-year-old, he did know what to do when it came to nightmares. He sat on the side of the bed and just took Josh’s tiny, clammy hand in his, whispered reassurances, stroked his hair until he managed to fall back asleep.

As Josh fell asleep now, he took his hand and began to stroke the curls that remained. “It is going to be okay, son.”

Once he was sure he was asleep, he turned the light off and walked into the hall where the rest were standing waiting.

“They’re going to want tickets to these hearings.”

* * *

They all looked up to see an expression of determination on his face. C.J. recognized it as the same type of emotion that had appeared on President Bartlet’s face when he said he was ready to lead again. Toby recognized it as the look that meant that Leo was prepared to stop pansy-assing around and had not been bluffing earlier in his words to him and Donna, and later, President Bartlet looked at him in confusion, but had a slight idea of where his friend might be heading, “Leo?”

“They’re going to want tickets to these hearing. I once said something to Josh that was similar to that; when he was going to bully recalcitrant Senators on the hill. And the thing is, the public is going to want tickets to these hearings, y’know why, you guys?”

They shook their heads.

“Lillienfield can try to conquer the world like Charlemagne, but he better be prepared to kill everyone, and he better start with me, cause I am going to raise an army against him and I will beat him. We are all going to beat him.”


End file.
